| i've always been pretty introspective. whether it's because of all of the books i read when i as younger, i'd always imagine what the narrator would have to say whenever s/he peered inside my cranium. i've always been pretty self-aware, perhaps to a fault. maybe if i'd spent less time ruling out options for myself and more time dreaming like normal people i wouldn't be so completely and utterly without options. which is of course ironic since i chose a major based upon its wide applicability. but these are the things that college admissions officers and high school counselors don't tell you. that even if where you end up is exactly where you meant to be, even if all of your plans pan out perfectly, when you get there, it's seldom how you imagined it. and that adapting, which is the one trait that those legendary fittest share, is something you're either born with or you're screwed without. what i really want to know is how i came to be so removed from this life, how somehow caring became too much of a hassle, and effort too much of a waste of time. why is this such a trend in my life? in high school i failed to turn in my final paper for ap lit, and i never really figured out whether it was out of laziness or perfectionism. perhaps if i'd come to grips with that before coming to college i'd have had an easier time. not that i'm anywhere near done. i told her that i'd send her the paper eventually, these romantic notions of sending it in a manila envelope, and just leaving it in her mailbox at school, no return address, no indication of who it's from on the outside, and then my name above hers in the appropriate mla format of the day and age. i guess i have read too many books, watched too many movies, too much tv. but such is the burden of the post-post-post-neo-new-modern adolescent, we carry the emotional weight and psychological baggage of millenia of people before us. think about it. not only is nothing we do/think/say/feel/excrete novel, but it's already been done in at least at the very least a thousand versions. and better/more thoroughly, readily available at your local internet. because lately, i can't separate their problems from my problems, their ideological misgivings from my own. in short, this is what i get for doing my readings. |
